For the last fifteen years my life has been turned upside down financially, spiritually, socially, physically, combined with the transitioning of family members. I’ve cried, screamed, distanced myself, smiled, attached, forgave, and acquired new belief systems, while old ones weren’t going without a fight. To be more specific, financially, I have been in a place of learning that money is a tool to be utilized to give, build up, be a blessing, to restore dreams and prolong life. I’ve had the entity called Pride knocked outta of me to ask for help, learned how to separate my wants from my needs, and God can do more with less. But the greatest lesson was to learn that God is the supplier of all my needs, wants and desires. Places of employment are the means of earning a paycheck, meeting new people, and learning new skills but again it is not my supplier. Even though I’ve learned this lesson the Universe never stopped downloading dreams and goals that I strongly wanted to perform in the earth. A major part of my personality is that I’m goal oriented. I eagerly worked on those dreams and goals which started off wonderfully but ended up either fizzling out or floating on a buoy.
I’ve lived a certain way and with that comes a mindset due to circumstances of “well, I guess it’s going to be this way.” The promises made from the Universe still remained dreams and not manifestations. And it didn’t matter how many people known and unknown were sent my way to keep the dreams alive the disappointments of them not coming into fruition produced a hope deferred. Whether I consciously said it aloud or as a subconscious decision it was made nonetheless.
This year came in with a different aura. The entity “Hope” was spreading her message all through the land from secular to sacred and both were speaking the same language. I was listening. I heard her cry in the streets and opened my window to let her voice ring in my house. I was happy, excited, and elated until I saw in the third quarter that those promises, dreams, and goals made to me were popping out of my journals, in dreams, and people’s voice to make way for them to manifest. I really believed I was ready! Even though I had been waiting for a very long time I just knew I was ready but my past was right there too. It brought along with it my disappointments, mistrust, deferred hope, rejected attempts, and used to “the way” I had been living which was barely enough to make it by the skin of my teeth. A few insecurities, bad judgements, and misperceptions were thrown in the mix too from having passed this way before in religious settings where I experienced “religious abuse.” To put it succinctly I was scared shitless. Fear ten Hope three but Hope had a plan in the hole.
Hope and I have been riding together for a long time. We were down like ‘four flat tires and a spare,’ but I was scared and my heart remembered too much. But she was not giving up that easy. This Halloween was different for me. I don’t celebrate it but damn if the witches, ghouls, ghost, and nightmares didn’t join my past to scare me from making a choice. I woke up from a dream that was not pretty but I knew it was from God. I researched the places, colors, light, dark, objects, etc., and I kinda’ knew what it was speaking but I asked God to reveal what He was really saying to me. I sat my tablet down.
I am taking a webinar course on Influence Training and it is spiritual but not religious. It was a panel of people praying for men and women fifty and over to go the length and “do” their dreams. I was watching the chat bar line being filled with request for prayer for sicknesses, finances, etc. I added my request to the plethora of wants/needs to the chat line.
Transparency: I asked prayer for the entity of ‘Rejection’ and ‘Inferiority’ to be removed.
The chat bar was moving like lightning and even though it was at least four people on the panel watching it and praying for various people I ‘hoped’ someone would see my request. Certain words were being spoken to various people and I was sincerely happy for them to be receiving words of encouragement and kindness. And yes, some of those words rang for me as well and I received them, but it was not until one man who I thought left the webinar came back onto the panel. He said (not verbatim but close to it), “there are people on here who have lived a certain lifestyle for a very long time and are afraid that their promises won’t happen. You’ve been rejected by people and attempts to do better but you decided whether you knew it or not that life wasn’t going to get any better than this.” My mouth hit the floor. He also said, “In a way you’ve gotten use to lack and not having, thinking that well, it’s probably going to be this way, but God says emphatically, No! The promises I’ve made to you are coming to pass. Trust me. Believe one more time and watch me make them come to pass.” As I sat on my wooden bench in front of my laptop I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. God not only answered my request but the dream He gave me that early morning was explained in the word He gave the guy. In that instance I chose to believe Him one more time. It reminded me of a moment I had on New Year’s Eve back in nineteen ninety-four when I made a lifestyle change. The heaviness and dread lifted and I know this is my time. I made a conscious decision to leave my past, beliefs, and the feelings of that era behind. Now I’m not naïve to know that I will have to work my dreams out but I’m collaborating with some wonderful people who mean business. They desire to leave a legacy for our children and another kingdom built on and in Love.
Yeah, my Halloween was spooky but Hope, God, and my conscious decision scared the boogeymen away. And on top of that I had an extra hour to sleep and be restored down to the cellular level. November 1st came in with a refreshing.
If I’m speaking to anyone who has been abused religiously or even in relationships with people of authority and the entities ‘Fear, Rejection, Abandonment, and Verbal Abuse’ are trying to keep you in your past – RUN!I know the emotions from yesteryear will try and convince you that it won’t be any better but it will be better this time. No, I didn’t say it will be rainbows and lollipops but trust the God of your creation to make it better. Yeah, I know, I trusted Him lotsa times too and nothing came of it but today you know what I discovered? I wasn’t ready for those dreams back then. He was just showing them to me because He wanted me to get my feet wet, reveal to me my pattern of leadership, and to know that my original desires to have a business He honored then and honors now. But we can’t do it alone. I know that’s scary, believe me, I know. But He will send people to assist you so trust and listen to your instincts, guts, and that nagging you feel…lol! Ask for Lady Wisdom and she will show up and give you the words to speak and ears to listen. These new people may have some traits of those that abused you before but take a breath, get still, and ask for your angels to surround you along with Peace. These are not those people. It will work out for you. I believe that for you and for me. I’m not suggesting anything to you that I’m not practicing myself. Like I’ve been saying to you in all my post, “You are not alone.” Let’s walk this place called Life together. Your past won’t let go so easy but you have the power of choice to let go of it.
Now listen to the lyrics of one of my favorite songs from the 80s by McFadden & Whitehead “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now.” That’s my theme song as I dance down the Soul Train of Life! Join me Phamily!
Until next time know that you are not alone, sweet sleep, angels keep!
NEED A BOOK CLUB SPEAKER, KEYNOTE SPEAKER, OR WORKSHOP LEADER
You can purchase my memoir, “DIRTY BREATH: TRAPPED BY REJECTION,” at https://www.createspace.com/5102704 and at Amazon under the title. I would love to speak at your next book club meeting (Atlanta metropolitan area), or have a virtual book club meeting through social media. I am also available to speak at your church, organization, or conference.
Lastly, please share this blog with other people you know that can benefit from it. I want our community of people to know we were/are not alone and there is help for the adult child to be emotionally healed. You just have to want to do what it takes and that my friend is a road uniquely designed for your transformation!