Who Am I?

 

Who Am I?

I recognize some people may not have a difficult time in answering this question, but I do. I was born in the last year for Baby Boomers and the beginning of Generation X (according to some sites). I’ve lived my life in the middle, the gray area, seer of both sides, which is all the more challenging to let go of what no longer serves my authentic self. And down through the years I’ve given answers that were found as I madly looked for my authentic self. And then, it wasn’t that my answers weren’t true, but I was giving snippets as they were being revealed to me.

When I first began blogging, I was “the playground.”  I went back to what felt like an innocent stage of authenticity. I remember being read to by my mother. “Sam and the Firefly” was my favorite story that I made her read to me repeatedly until her throat went dry. At an early age, I learned how to read, my mother applied for me a library card and books became my playground to explore other fantastical lands.

My grandmama taught me the bible. The twenty-third Psalm was the first psalm I memorized, and it still is the fundamental principle of my spirit. I have lived this psalm word by word. Accounts from the bible where warriors, saints, oracles, demons, priest, etc., of supernatural proportions was my other playground to explore.

I began drawing from reference. I was really good too. I drew Disney characters, and no one told me that I was good, I saw it for myself. I enjoyed it, thoroughly, until the age of ten. I’ve heard other people talk about their traumatic experiences and it’s something about that age that all hell breaks loose.

For some people you’re told “no” that you can’t be “that” or do what you love. Or, you’re called out of your God-given name and told you are other demeaning names. You’re cast aside and tossed into the invisible realm where you create a life to emotionally and mentally survive the terrain of verbal abuse, rejection and abandonment. It’s not only the people you love, abandoning you, but you learn to give up yourself as comfortably.

I survived by pushing my authentic thoughts, personality, character, behavior, tone of voice, mannerisms, walking, writing, and so on, and stole other identities to be liked, conform, to be accepted. This was my life until I was shamed into going to counseling. That’s a long story for another time. But no matter how I came there it was the greatest turn of transformation to return me to the road of self-discovery. And thus, I’ve been on this journey since the age of twenty-eight.

So, who am I now? I’ve read numerous books and ‘performed’ spiritual exercises to “know” what it takes to be transformed in mind, body, and soul. But there is another level than just knowing. Don’t stop reading we’re almost there. I know that I am an African American female who was fearfully and wonderfully made by a God that I’ve had an evolving relationship with. I love to write, read, and have intimate one-on-one talks to discuss hopes and aspirations. I am drawing again and recently began a writer’s club with a great local poet and storyteller. I am an editor that enjoys reading peoples’ stories and assisting them to have their voice heard. I love to travel, yoga, co-create jewelry, sew, and paint. I am a great advocate of Peace. It is the entity coupled with Love that I seek to accept, give, and if need be fight for it. There’s so much more I’m discovering daily. In a nutshell, I am a big kid at heart that knows there’s more. And I can guarantee in your heart you know there’s more for you.

This blog-go-round is “I Allow: Hugs, Peace, and Kisses.” To freely accept and give those three powerhouses you must first allow them into your life. How you say? You must want and allow your inner child to be healed from traumatic events. You must want to allow yourself to live the best version of your adult life while Healing utilizes its unique strategies of forgiveness and unity to rebuild the disconnect with your inner child. I desire to share, if allowed, some tidbits, snapshots, and fragments of wisdom that I’ve learned along the way. I desire to help you find your Peace. I desire to be a guide, your guide, if you allow me too.

My name is Lana (“light,” in America; a variant of ‘Alana’ (Old German) “precious”; “little rock” in Irish/Gaelic; “sun ray” in Greek; “afloat and calm as the still waters” in Hawaiian; and lastly, “wooly and appealing to the eye” in Latin). I’ve allowed myself to accept and love my name as I have allowed to gradually learn to accept and love all the parts of my authentic self.

This is who I am.

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